Feeling Like a Failure? How to Face Life Setbacks Without Losing Yourself

A trauma-informed reflection on feeling like a failure, life setbacks, shame, self-worth and finding a way forward through online counselling across Australia.

When life does not go to plan

We’ve all felt it. Things seem to be moving well, life is starting to flow, things might finally get a little more simple, and then BAM! The next challenge, the next block in your way, the next sad surprise.

Maybe it’s losing a friendship, career setback, health crisis, downsizing at work, a loss of money, a criticism, a threat, or the carpet is pulled out from under you in some other unexpected way.

Whatever it is, you hadn’t anticipated it, and it’s either happened at the time when the Dawn is starting to rise after the Dark Night, or when you’re already down and this happens at the worst possible moment.

These are the kinds of moments where people may start asking themselves, “Why do I feel like a failure?”, “How do I deal with failure in life?”, or “How do I rebuild my self-worth after a setback?”.

Feeling defeated is not the same as being defeated

Feeling defeated is an emotional state. It can feel absolute in the moment, but it is not the final truth of who you are, your worth, or the rest of your life.

Having myself experienced a series of unfortunate events in rapid succession in recent months, I can deeply sympathise with some of the clients, friends, family, colleagues, strangers, or community members I’ve happened across one way or another where they have felt or thought ‘Oh what now?!’ as yet more stress rises to the surface.

For some, it’s only an occasional situation where a massive hit occurs but a rebound can be found within a few of the hardest months they’ve experienced. For others I’ve known in both professional and personal contexts — people I’ve supported as a therapist, mental health peer worker, advocate, case worker and support worker, as well as people I’ve cared for or walked alongside personally through physical health issues, chronic or lifelong disability, mental health struggles or diagnoses — it can be a long-term fight against systems, family, friends, politics, religious or social institutions, housing needs, workplaces, and support services.

I can only speak from my professional and personal experiences when I say this: when that crushing weight is on you, bound up in a variety of emotions, it can genuinely feel like you are a complete failure or that life has defeated you.

But if you can look around for just a split-second, take counsel with those who care for you, and slow down enough to let what needs to come up rise and express itself, then a way forward may begin to appear.

From there, you may be able to look at what has happened with a little more space. You might begin to separate what you feel has happened from what actually happened. You might extract meaning, purpose or wisdom from the pain. You might acknowledge your part in the situation and, although painful, allow yourself to be with that. Or you may find a way to amend the situation in some way and move through to the other side.

The first point to recall here is that the feeling of defeat is still a feeling and not a true state of yourself in the grand scheme of your life, or indeed the breadth of time and history.

Why failure can feel so personal

We have built up an entire corpus of belief, plans and expectations in our abilities, wisdom, knowledge, aptitude, dreams, ambitions, destiny, purpose, heartfelt desires, and roles in family/friendship/community systems.

What happens if these things are challenged (whether well meaning or not), thrown down, threatened, or hurt?

Cue all the pain, worry, denial, anger, sadness, internal shutdown, anxiety, rumination, or doubling down on shame and guilt from our inner critic. Some people will withdraw, isolate, shut down their plans and dreams, or react with aggression.

Often the hardest part is not only what happened, but the shame story that follows: “This proves something bad about me”.

This is where shame, low self-worth, rumination and the inner critic can become tangled together. The setback itself may be painful, but the story we tell ourselves about what it means can sometimes hurt even more.

How to begin facing defeat without abandoning yourself

This is not about toxic positivity, pretending everything is fine, or forcing yourself to “just move on.” It is about learning how to face failure, disappointment or life setbacks without turning yourself into the failure.

First, remember you’re important. Just as much as anyone.

Second, remember that no one is perfect, and we are at the mercy sometimes of our emotions, and sometimes just the random chaos that is life.

Third, remember that most of us in this world are really doing the best we can. It may not always be 100% correct, but it might be the best we can do in that specific moment.

Fourth, feel the feelings. Sounds corny or cliché right? But it’s true. The only way through it, is through it. If you’re angry, be angry, if you’re sad, be sad. Acknowledge it. Where is it in your mind? Where is it in your body? Does acknowledging it, getting it out of your system in a rant with someone, writing a long journal entry, doing some exercise, boxing, dance, or a good old-fashioned yell into a pillow help?

Fifth, try to offer some compassion to yourself and those involved. Easier said than done, but constantly revisiting the first three points can be a soothing balm for some people to come back to as they move through the varied emotions in point Four.

I’d also recommend doing something like some slow rhythmic breathing into your chest, heart or diaphragm as your mental focus, some light EFT tapping, gentle stretches while you think of compassion and remember those previous points, play music that reminds you of connection or joy, paint, go for a long walk to a park while you muse on compassion, or even imagine what someone you love or respect would say to you in this situation about yourself. There’s no set way here, these are just suggestions for a multitude of people, find your own way.

Resourcing yourself with positive actions while also gifting yourself some understanding and compassion is key here.

Sixth, from a calmer and grounded space reflect on, or identify what you want in this situation. Can I have another go at this? Is this fixable? If I took a break and came back could I avoid this again? Would a direct conversation have fixed this or would fix this to move forward? Do I need to adjust my expectations or get clearer ones from those around me?

Seventh, make a choice and try to follow it through using all of the above points to constantly come back to.

Eighth, remember that your pain, and inner critic will want to pop up again, and just know that’s actually okay. We can’t exorcise these parts away like evil demons taunting us. They are us. Just parts of us.

Think of them as just little identities within ourselves all needing some care and attention e.g. the Sad One, the Angry One, the Confused One, the Regretful One. Just parts of ourselves, and all of them need a little something different to soothe or clarify in order to heal.

When Therapy Can Help

If a setback, loss, breakdown or life situation has caused you pain, grief, overwhelm, numbness, anxiety, low mood or depressive feelings, therapy may help.

Therapy can be especially useful when feeling like a failure has become tied to shame, low self-esteem, anxiety, grief, rumination, self-criticism, relationship wounds or a major life transition.

This isn’t a final defeat, just the ending of one part of your identity or phase of life, and potentially into something new, richer and wiser.

Online counselling and psychotherapy across Australia

Inner Alchemy Counselling and Psychotherapy is based in Melbourne and offers online counselling and psychotherapy across Australia, supporting people with anxiety, grief, life transitions, inner critic patterns, emotional overwhelm, self-worth and deeper relational wounds.

Because sessions are online, support is available whether you are in Melbourne, regional Victoria, Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Hobart, Canberra or elsewhere in Australia.

You are not your worst moment, your hardest season, or the part of you that feels like it has failed. If life has left you feeling defeated or disconnected from yourself, therapy can help you explore what happened, what still matters, and how to begin moving forward without abandoning yourself.

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