Why Do I Keep Replaying Conversations? Rumination, Anxiety and the Inner Critic
When your mind will not let a conversation go
You leave a conversation, meeting, family gathering, work event, date, or text exchange, and hours later your mind is still replaying it.
What did I say? Did I sound strange? Were they annoyed? Should I have explained myself differently? Was I rude? Do they hate me? Do I need to apologise, fix this, or go over it again?
This can be a clear sign of anxiety, rumination, or the inner critic hitting you. But why is this actually happening? And how can you learn to calm this part of yourself down?
What is rumination?
Rumination is the constant overthinking, over-analysing and replaying mechanism in our minds that switches on and goes through an event, conversation or series of events to find out how you have essentially messed something up, said something wrong, done something horrible, or caused some sort of problem.
Please note my prefixes of “over,” because that’s the main point.
We have a level of self-awareness and self-reflection that may go back through our day, week, month or year and notice events or conversations that were uncomfortable, confrontational, cringe-worthy or painful. But it becomes rumination when these become stuck thoughts that loop incessantly without relief.
Rumination can also be about the present or future in regard to future interactions with people, health, wealth, work issues, paying the bills, doing your university assignments, getting into that scholarship, internship, club or role, or just a current block in life that you think and feel is stopping you from living your “real life.”
When people search for “why do I keep replaying conversations in my head?” or “why do I overthink what I said?”, this is often the territory they are in. The mind is not simply reflecting anymore. It is looping.
Why anxiety keeps replaying the past
Consider the possibility that right now, if you’re ruminating, nothing is wrong with you. Instead, your brain and nervous system may be working overtime to make sure you are surviving through an event, don’t forget something incredibly important, remember that you need to change or confront something, or acknowledge something that hurt, went against your better judgement, challenged your values, or affected how you want to be seen.
We all have this mechanism inside us and guess what? It may actually have a positive reason to be there.
Although this can be hard to consider, and painful to experience, rumination is often fuelled by your Inner Critic.
What is the Inner Critic?
Consider the Inner Critic not as some demon or devil on your shoulder, but instead as a potential compilation of the messages, meanings and directives given to you by your parents, wider family, social circles, government, culture, religion, age group, history, or the zeitgeist of the times.
Imagine you’re an average adult being flooded with images of the most beautiful Hollywood glamour out there. The chiseled celebrity bodies, the perfectly white teeth, the designer clothes, the fancy cars, the opulence, the power and the influence.
Then you look at yourself. You feel awkward, your body still feels like it’s finding its shape, you’re socially anxious, people won’t go on dates with you, you can’t afford what you really want, and you work a job you hate because you need some sort of work and experience.
Perhaps you also look around at your friends, family and peers and believe you see some of these people doing better than you. Your friend over there has just become engaged, your boss rolled up to work with a $75,000 new car, your cousin just had a baby, your best friend just did a tour around Europe for three months and had the most powerful experience of their life, and here you are, not doing any of that.
Enter the Inner Critic.
It takes on all of these messages, these comparisons of people, places and things in your immediate life and the wider world, these directives of “you must be like this,” and then funnels that through every interaction you have now and in the future, and every goal and milestone you have thought about.
“You sounded stupid.”
“You said too much.”
“You should not have said that.”
“They probably think differently of you now.”
“You always make things awkward.”
“You’re fat.”
“No wonder no one cares about you.”
“You’re never going to be that, look like that, or have that.”
This is where rumination, anxiety and self-criticism can become painfully connected. It is not just that you replay the conversation. It is that the replay comes with a harsh commentator telling you what it all means about you.
What happens in the body when you overthink or when the Inner Critic comes to visit?
Automatically while reading this, you may be remembering moments like this, or indeed have been experiencing them over the last few days.
You might be noticing your body slump, your heart beating faster, your motivation dropping, your hands getting shaky or sweaty, or sadness rising up in your chest.
Even if you pulled away from the screen and went off to get some food, go for a walk, or watch television, you might still be experiencing, throughout your days and nights:
a tight chest
a clenched or painful jaw
stomach tension and aches
racing thoughts and lots of short, sharp breaths
restlessness
difficulty sleeping
feeling sad, ashamed or exposed
As you can see, this Inner Critic is not just in your head. Its words and impact are felt everywhere in you. This is where nervous system regulation, somatic awareness and inner work can become important, because rumination is often not only a thought loop. It can also be a body loop.
How to begin stepping out of the loop
Firstly, for some people, they are able to just stop their thoughts right here, right now, draw a line in the sand, say “Enough!”, go to the gym, pump some iron, release tension in their body, and then come home to make an action plan and find a way to take some control of the situation and feel better for a while.
For others, where this experience of rumination, anxiety and the Inner Critic is chronic and lifelong, it can be much harder. Or they’ve tried every kind of quick-fix technique and it hasn’t worked. So the easiest thing is just to ignore and repress it, find a distraction and move on, until it jumps back up and says, “Hey there, remember me?” and the process starts again.
In forms of depth or somatic psychotherapy, like Process-Oriented Psychology as I’m trained in, we tend to take a look at the Inner Critic as an “Edge Figure.”
This composite being stands at the edge of the person we are, and the person we really want to be. However, we can’t access that other part of ourselves because we have been stuck in, or trained to be, the person we are. So every time we try to jump over that edge or have a bit more of it, the Inner Critic or Edge Figure pops up and says, “Stay in your lane,” “You know you’re not that over there,” or “It won’t happen for you, so just get used to it.”
In psychotherapy, rather than battling the thought and belief, we instead want to work with this part of yourself.
It’s here. There must be a reason.
For some people, at its very core, it’s trying to keep you safe, ensure you’re living the life that is on the straight and narrow, stop you from getting hurt, help you get through life as unscathed as possible, remind you that you have a family, God, community or role you must live for, or ensure a certain level of containment so you don’t jump too deeply over to that other side of yourself that only comes out occasionally, which both excites and scares you.
To get a better idea of this Inner Critic or Edge Figure, and why it’s here, what its core meaning is, and how you can soften its power over you, try this little piece of Inner Work.
A Process-Oriented inner work exercise for the Inner Critic
When your Inner Critic is loud, the instinct is often to fight it, obey it, or try to shut it down. A Process-Oriented approach invites curiosity instead. Rather than seeing the critic as simply “bad,” you can explore it as an inner part that may be trying to protect you, even if its method is harsh.
A caveat for this exercise:
If this exercise brings up intense shame, panic, dissociation or overwhelm, pause and ground yourself. Inner critic work can touch old wounds, and it is okay to explore it slowly with support. Do not do more than you can.
Instead, focus on small things to begin with. You can read through this, assess whether it’s something you’re able to do on your own, and if not, get support. Take full and total responsibility for your wellbeing and safety.
1. Notice the exact words
Write down what the critic is saying.
For example:
“You sounded stupid.”
“You should not have said that.”
“They probably think badly of you.”
“You always make things awkward.”
Try to notice the tone. Is it angry, disappointed, panicked, cold, parental, or urgent?
2. Give the critic a form
Ask yourself:
If this Inner Critic had a shape, image, voice or posture, what would it be like?
It might feel like a strict teacher, a judge, a drill sergeant, a worried parent, someone you know in real life, a character, or even a tight sensation in the body.
If you’re up to it, draw it, write a description, imagine it, put a chair on the opposite side of you and “see” it in your mind’s eye.
3. Tell the Critic everything it’s doing to you
Write about its impact, yell it out, shake your fists and stomp your feet, draw or paint the impact, converse, or just speak it to the chair opposite you.
It may sound silly, but this Inner Critic often doesn’t want you to express yourself fully in your pain and frustration. So trust yourself and find a way to give yourself as much safe space as you need to do this.
4. Ask what it is trying to do
Now gently ask this part:
“Why are you doing this?”
“What are you trying to do for me?”
“What are you afraid would happen if you stopped?”
“What are you trying to protect me from?”
Often, the critic is trying to prevent rejection, shame, conflict, embarrassment or failure. Its method may be painful, but its deeper intention may be protection.
5. Let it tell you who it is, why it’s here and why it does this
Once again, you can free-write this, imagine it, draw or paint this response. Or a much easier and more embodied way to do this is to genuinely move physically to that other side, and stand, speak or respond as this Inner Critic or Edge Figure.
Once again, it may sound silly, but giving it bones, flesh and expression means it no longer is some random voice and belief in your head somewhere. Instead, it becomes a living part you can actually interact with.
Really be it if you can.
If the figure is someone real in your life that you can’t safely be in this exchange with, is there a fictional character or made-up being that holds that same kind of energy, but is safe enough to work with?
6. Speak back from your adult self
After you get its response, step back over to the other side of the room where you originally were and you might say:
“I can see you are trying to protect me, but the way you speak to me is overwhelming.”
“I am willing to listen to the concern, but I need you to give me a break.”
“You do not have to disappear, but you cannot run the whole show.”
“If you’re going to help me, it can’t be like this.”
Just notice what happens in your body as you say this.
7. Ask for a new role
Finally, ask:
“Is there another way you could help me?”
“I don’t need that, but can you do this instead?”
Once again, switch roles either physically in the room, in your imagination, on paper, or in any way you can do this. Dialogue between your adult self and this Inner Critic until you feel a sense of camaraderie, allyship, safety, calm, or relative peace to start to work together.
Then take some breaths, journal your reflections, or go and do something light and joyful.
The aim is not to destroy the Inner Critic. The aim is to change the relationship. Over time, a harsh critic may become a more useful inner ally when its fear is understood and its role is updated.
This is big work, so take it slow.
When online counselling can help with rumination and self-criticism
If you find yourself replaying conversations, second-guessing what you said, feeling trapped in cycles of rumination and self-criticism, or struggling with anxiety after social interactions, you do not have to work through it alone.
Inner Alchemy Counselling and Psychotherapy is based in Melbourne and offers online counselling and psychotherapy across Australia. I support people navigating anxiety, inner critic patterns, emotional overwhelm, people-pleasing, shame, trauma-informed inner work and deeper relational wounds.
If your mind keeps replaying conversations and you want support to understand what this part of you is trying to do, online counselling can be a safe place to begin exploring it.
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