Why Rest Feels Hard: How to Take Time Away Without Guilt

A trauma-informed guide to burnout, boundaries and self-care for people across Australia.

When rest does not feel restful

Rest, healing, sleep, self-care, self-compassion, self-maintenance, recharging, self-fullness, wellbeing — there are many ways to describe this concept we all aim for on some level. But some people struggle with it more than others.

I can sympathise with the struggle.

I’ve been sick. For about three weeks I was actively unwell, then I had a week of recovery, and then I was supporting others as they went through their own sickness. I recently looked back at the content I had put out and realised, “Wow, it’s been eight weeks. How do people do this when life is doing its thing?”

The constant stress of life, work, business, studies, romance, fitness and health, seeing friends, spending time with family, thinking about the future, processing the past, getting enough sleep, planning your budget, paying your bills, and making sure your spouse, kids, fur-babies, family or community are all okay — where does it end?

Then you finally, maybe, possibly, potentially sit down for five minutes and take a moment for yourself.

Or can you do it sooner?

Ideally, we would all have that golden balance where stress was manageable, money felt steady enough, support was easy to ask for and receive, and above all, we could comfortably be present and happy with the moments of peace and leisure we had cultivated for ourselves.

But many people I work with have similar stories. The moment some point of peace, relaxation, or doing something completely for themselves comes up — where there is no goal post, no achievement to be made, and no grand five-year plan attached — there is automatic resistance.

Instead of actively enjoying something, having no time restraint, and letting the brain, body and nervous system relax, that inner critic comes up and says, “You should be doing X,” or “This can wait until X is done first.” Sometimes there is a complete sense of guilt, shame or discomfort that you just cannot shake off.

In my experience with clients, the most some people will allow themselves is a doomscroll on their phone, which often serves as distraction rather than actual rest or joy. The jittery feelings, tense muscles, wandering mind and irritation they temporarily shifted their focus away from are still there. The inability to switch off is chronic, and it is happening everywhere.

No matter who I work with — face to face, online here in Melbourne, or via phone or Zoom from anywhere in Australia — this community-wide inner critic seems to be visiting so many people.

Why does rest feel so hard?

Guilt. Shame. Annoyance. Pressure. Anger. Grief. Anxiety. Low mood.

The old messages of parents, spouses, teachers, mentors, rivals, workplaces, communities or past versions of ourselves can all come up and start speaking into the mind and body.

This is often why rest feels so hard.

The moment we stop, we may be doing one of two things.

First, we may be giving enough space for old wounds and unprocessed emotions to rise up and say, “Hey, remember me? I’m still here no matter what you distract yourself with.”

Second, we may have stopped obeying the inner critic and all the dream figures, roles or pressures that created it to begin with. That internal part can come rampaging back with full force to get us back to work, back to performing, back to pleasing, back to proving.

For some people, rest does not initially feel like peace. It feels like losing control, disappointing others, falling behind, or becoming aware of feelings they have been trying to outrun.

The inner critic says you have not done enough

“You should be doing more.”

“You can’t rest.”

“You’ve got to push through.”

“You’ve just got to get through this and then it’ll be fine.”

“Other people cope better than you.”

“You are being selfish.”

“You are falling behind.”

“You’ve wasted so much time.”

“What would they think if you stopped now?”

Do these sound familiar?

You are not alone. Millions of people struggle with feeling guilty for resting, even when they are exhausted.

Once upon a time, this inner figure or part may have been useful. It may have helped you survive, thrive, get through some of the toughest parts of your life, and push toward the outcome you desperately needed.

But now, all it may do is push the thought, “I’m feeling guilty for resting.”

It can become an old pattern, an unfinished part, an inner role, or a version of you that you have not had the chance to fully sit with and let go of. It may have once had a purpose, but it can keep doing its job long after your life has changed.

You may have grown up, moved house, married, divorced, changed jobs, had multiple holidays, bought a dog, or had several “New Year, New Me” changes — and still this old part keeps pushing.

Rest, people-pleasing and the fear of disappointing others

This anti-rest part can really shine when it comes to other people, especially if it was born through relationships, family, community, school, work, or belonging.

You might have a big heart and a caring personality. But how does the inner critic keep you proving that you are caring, responsible or good?

It pushes. It harasses. It often gets especially loud when other people are involved.

I’ve worked with numerous people who either know deep down, or only realise after some psychotherapy, that a lot of their self-worth, meaning and purpose in the world has been derived from being of service to others and people-pleasing.

The nuance here is this: are you doing these things to elicit some sort of reaction, response, approval or gift back from others to help fill you up?

Or is it coming from a place of knowing yourself, your boundaries and your needs? Have you accepted your shadow parts and found a way to really connect with people outside of emotional bartering or trauma bonding? Is it instead a case of mutual care, where you happen to have the capacity, money, energy or space to offer a little more because you can, and because it feels right?

I’ll leave this musing with you.

What do we do? How to take time away without guilt

First and foremost, stop.

Just for a minute.

You do not need to do anything else but stand, sit or lie still, take a breath, and notice.

What comes up?

Why can’t you do this?

Why does doing this feel like a waste of time, frivolous, stupid, hippie nonsense, too much, or not allowed?

Critique it. Be honest. Find what this inner critic part is saying, and why.

Accept that this part is there, and that this belief is there. For some people, just doing this is enough to begin with. Actually acknowledging that this is going on can be a powerful first step.

Some people may not want to shift it immediately. They may even agree with it in the moment, then feel differently later on. That is okay too.

For those who feel a little conflicted once they have done this, ask yourself:

Do I really agree that I am selfish or stupid for sitting down for five minutes?

If you notice both a yes and a no part, congratulations — you have given your inner critic another friend to play with. You have also given yourself a potential ally.

Then ask yourself:

If my to-do list was magically done, the inner critic had gone quiet, there was no crisis to deal with, and I suddenly truly had five minutes to five hours free, what would I actually want to do? How would rest show up for me?

Even if it feels completely out of the realm of possibility, acknowledge what it is.

Maybe it is as simple as going to the local café, grabbing a coffee and reading a book. Maybe it is driving to your favourite park just to enjoy some sunshine away from home. Maybe it is following that dream to travel, and perhaps the first step is simply starting to plan.

Whatever it is, acknowledge it. Even if it seems irresponsible or unlikely, just notice what happens in your mind and body when you muse on it.

Many clients notice their stress response easing, even a little. Others notice their thoughts slowing down.

Once again, congratulations — you have crossed a mini edge for yourself.

The inner critic may quickly realise what is happening and jump straight back in to push you along again. But you still crossed a mini edge, and that is how things begin.

Slowly, you might be able to cross that edge again. Then one day you may be out and about with a thousand things to do, but you actually have 40 minutes before an appointment, and right across the street is that café with a cute courtyard you have always wanted to visit.

Will you cross the street and cross another metaphorical and actual edge?

Rest is not always soft and easy

Self-care, healing, rest, wellbeing and recharging are not always soft and easy experiences. They can take time, focus and a willingness to meet the parts of ourselves that resist slowing down.

Sometimes self-care is not adding more soothing activities. Sometimes it is removing one pressure that keeps you stuck in survival mode.

It may mean saying no, cancelling something, asking for help, setting a boundary, letting someone be disappointed, or admitting that you are more tired than you wanted to be.

Rest does not need to be earned through total exhaustion.

You do not have to wait until you collapse before you are allowed to pause.

When rest is not enough

Sometimes rest helps. Other times, even when you slow down, you may still feel anxious, numb, overwhelmed, resentful, disconnected or unable to recover.

That does not mean you are failing at self-care. It may mean there are deeper patterns involved: burnout, grief, trauma responses, perfectionism, people-pleasing, boundary difficulties, or a strong inner critic that has been running the show for a long time.

When rest does not feel restorative, it can be worth exploring what makes stopping feel so difficult.

Online counselling and psychotherapy can help you understand the patterns, beliefs, body responses and relationship dynamics that keep you caught in exhaustion, over-responsibility or self-criticism.

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Online counselling and psychotherapy across Australia

Inner Alchemy Counselling and Psychotherapy is based in Melbourne and offers online counselling and psychotherapy across Australia.

If rest feels difficult, guilt-filled or out of reach, support is available. Therapy can help you explore what keeps you stuck in over-functioning, emotional overwhelm, inner criticism or people-pleasing, and begin finding a more sustainable way of relating to yourself and your life.

If this resonates, reach out and let’s have a chat.

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